He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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