The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Please don't give away my fajitas
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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