my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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