totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
it glows. i had to have it.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
