you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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