I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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