He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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