i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
