Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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