i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just invented taco cereal.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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