ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
