is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
