dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Banned from zoo.
Again?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
