Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
