my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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