I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
