I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
