Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
