I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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