my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
