you guys were way drunker than both of me
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
