I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
