Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
