If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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