Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
