I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
