I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
