I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
