I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
