Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
