I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
