that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You dont lie about slip and slides
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
