one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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