i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
