hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
