My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
