i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You took a bar mat shot.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
