I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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