weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
