I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Are my feet made of real feet?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We just shotgunned beers for America
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
