I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
i've created a new STD.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
