if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Randomize
