Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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