I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
