Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Hello my rib-scented angel!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
