ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
