A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
