Im at strip club and am horny
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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