I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
