I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Let's paint friendship bongs
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
