I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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