I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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