hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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