Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
