My friends, they love my intelligence
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
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